Tissue Issues

Q: Do you have a return policy?

A: First of all, why would you return toilet paper? Second of all, no.

Q: Are you a real company?

A: Yes we are, complete with multiple offices and distribution centers. We know you've got better things to do than shop for toilet paper (and there's nothing worse than running out), so we save you both time and money by shipping the stuff right to your door. Read more about us on well, the about us page.

Q: Why is your toilet paper less expensive than anything I can buy in the store?

A: Simple economics, really. You pay less than any other brand because you are buying direct from the manufacturer instead of your local store buying from the manufacturer, marking it up, and then selling to you.

Q: Is your toilet paper any good?

A: It's so good, we use it ourselves.

Q: What payment options do you accept?

A: Visa, Mastercard, AMEX, and Discover.

Q: Do you ship internationally?

A: Not yet. We keep it in the contiguous U.S. (sorry Hawaii and Alaska).

Q: How do I sign up?

A: Just click on the "Sign Up" tab and in about two minutes you'll be all set.

Q: What happens if I run out of toilet paper before my next scheduled shipment?

A: Just log in on our website and click the link "I pooped a lot" and we'll send another shipment immediately. The best part is - you can do it right from your throne. We're smart phone friendly!

Q: If shipping is always free and you automatically send me more toilet paper each month, what isn't included with my ToiletPaperValet.com subscription?

A: The wipe.

Q: Will using ToiletPaperValet.com help me with the ladies?

A: You'll pretty much be a hero by always being well stocked on toilet paper, the single most important attribute in arguably the most visited room by your lady friends. You'll be admired for your frugality and intelligence, and our internal studies have shown that if you're always stocked with toilet paper from ToiletPaperValet.com, you have a 72.8% better chance at a second date or happier wife. Remember gents, happy wife = happy life!

Q: Wow your toilet paper is great! Can I buy this from my local store?

A: Please try to pay attention. As we said earlier, we manufacture and ship directly to our customers to guarantee the lowest prices by eliminating the mark up you would otherwise pay at your local store (because they would want to make a buck, too). Therefore no, you cannot buy our quality product anywhere other than from right here!

Q: How do I stop my toilet paper shipments?

A: We highly recommend rethinking that, but if you must, just log in on our website and pause your shipments or cancel your account entirely.

What should I do with all of the money I'll be saving?

A: That’s entirely up to you, but here are a few suggestions:

  1. Replace all of your teeth with diamonds.
  2. Purchase a lion.
  3. Buy more TP and level a friend’s house. We’ll even take the blame.
What happens if my shipment is lost?

A: The delivery drivers likely had Mexican for lunch and…just kidding…give us a call and we'll send you another shipment right away. All tracking information is kept on file so in the unlikely event there's a shipping problem, we'll get to the bottom of it quickly.

What if I move?

A: Well then take the toilet paper with you! Just log in on our website and update your shipping address.

Will your toilet paper make a good pillow if I get drunk and pass out in my bathroom?

A: Absolutely. It would also make for a good blanket and, in some cases, clothing.

Is there sales tax?

A: Nope! Don't you pay enough taxes already?

How long will it take to get my toilet paper?

A: That depends on where you live, but on average 2 business days.

Will the delivery guy be dressed like a valet?

A: Only on Sundays.

Take The Plunge Take The Plunge